Hello old friend.
I say this because I will never have the chance to say it again to my old friends. This last year and a half and definitely been a test for me. A test that I have failed completely.
2 companies started. One of which if I cannot claim any accolades from, actually when you think about it, I probably help bring down the company. The second, I just let completely flounder and let the hype over power me into submission.
My Quarter Century on this Earth is coming up in a couple days and when I take a moment to reflect on my achievements, I draw a blank. I mean not a blank on the past year or few years, I mean on the last 24 years 362 days and change. I was always the person saying to people that I have no regrets and the past is in the past, but in reality I am all but full of regrets and wishing that everything turned out differently.
I understand the fact that my outlook on life is definitely a bleaker one than most, but to me it is a just my life. I have always been that guy. You know the guy that could be your best friend, your worst enemy, the one that seemed to never have anything wrong. Lots of close people confide their problems to me, but whenever I have issues I always send them to the vault and they never see the light of day.
Just recently I have completely secluded myself when it comes to the professionalism aspect of my day to day. Just take for example me and going to work. There is no particular reason for me to go to work in the morning, my brother hit the nail on the head when he asked me what I did everyday while here at the office and I just couldn’t respond. I honestly don’t do anything anymore, aside from the meager fixing of a stalled computer or sending out the A-typical proposal letter to companies that I don’t even care about. I literally sit in front of 2 computers and look at shit & download a bunch of crap. I do this for about 7 hours a day at the office, then when I get home I lay down in front of my big TV of which has a computer connected to it (since I don’t watch regular cable programming anymore) and I dink around on the internet and watch all the randomness of all the downloading I have done. There is something majorly wrong with me and it is causing me to just give up on life.
I don’t know what is worse, not doing anything or failing at doing something. In ways I am doing both, because I have failed to do anything. I am one of those people that has taken their situation for granted and can’t see recovery. I won’t go as far to say that I had everything there for me on a silver platter, but I am not going to down play the fact that I have had many opportunities to be able to be successful at something, but I won’t hide the fact that also those opportunities to succeed were not where I wanted to succeed (sounds so confusing, I know). I have never gone out on my own and blazed my own trail so to speak. All my failures have been with safety nets and I think this time the safety nets are too worn out.
I hope whoever reads the stuff that I write doesn’t see me as a sad person. I am far from it, I am on a spectrum familiar to those who never finish on the podium but always come close. I am defeated. That my old friend is what this is a summation of, DEFEAT.
I don’t know how much more I am going to write or if I will have anything worth saying, but at the end of everything is the beginning of something. I just hope that my end brings along a different and new story.
And to close with something I don’t do enough in my life, I would like to thank you the readers, the anonymous of this world that relate or hate, but open there minds enough to enlighten themselves.
Goodbye Old Friend.
