so since my last post …. my demeanour has yet to change. i got called out for being a worthless shithead, come on by no means did i disagree… i’m the type of person that really just thinks about himself and when push comes to shove, i’m seeing where i fall instead of who i might be falling on.
i think i got into the blow up of blow ups with my brother today… i was having him and his wife take an IQ test (not together by the way) and i started to get hella pissed that he started helping her, i mean i just want her to take it on her own and he kept helping which for some reason made me angry… … then it happened and we started just getting into it. i just kept being a shithead and back mouthing all this bullshit… then he told me to just leave and not come back (obviously i cant really listen because i am back and they are gone and i am doing this fucking blog thing). at first i didnt do anything, just kind of sat there… still back mouthing saying thanks for calling me a shithead, and that he didnt give a fuck about me and everything (sorry to whoever chances upon my blog, i can only express myself the way i normally talk) and maybe i should just kill myself and bunch of bullshit like that… then i decided to get up and leave, i was about to leave with the car and then he stopped me before i stepped out and then i really started pushing his buttons… even taunting him into trying to get in a fight and then he started into dont tempt me (was literally foaming at the mouth and eyes bulging like crazy) [but out of the whole ordeal, when he was literally inches away from my face, that was when i was completely calm and ready for anything to happen]… then i just left, went and cleared my head and now i am back here.
this afternoon’s events really made me realize that i have absolutely nothing going for myself… and i dont expect people to feel for me or any of that type of stuff. it’s just i am about to turn 24 in literally less than a month and as i look onto my life i have nothing to show for it. i did have a job that i made no money at, i am almost completely broke (well most would consider me broke because i couldnt fly back to the states and start over, nor could i go out and get my own place and be self sufficient [sad huh]) i took a risk coming out here, knowing that i dont belong out here, now here i am just lost… i really dont know what i am going to do with myself. i know there are probably thousands of people who are in the same position i am in and dont know what to do with themselves, but i know they feel like they are the loneliest people on the planet. i hate to say i feel lonely, but on a day to day and weekend after weekend, i get surrounded by so many people that i just cant seem to talk to. its funny cuz people find me to be a social butterfly (that was super gay) but i just have so many anti-social tendencies.
sometimes its a wonder to me, if i were to just fall off the map for awhile, would things still run the same. i mean for everyone outside of my family i have fallen off the map, with those chance calls or IMs from friends back home that help to keep me from completely losing my mind…
all of this really just brings me back to nothing…
i’ve lost typing momentum… i had so much to say but i drifted off into feeling my relaxing music and reminiscing about what my youth was like and how i would give anything to start my senior year over in high school… because honestly since then the last 6 years of my life have been a downward spiral… i would really just like to find my happy place, but that left when i seperated from my last serious girl friend coming on 4 years ago.
well this is as much therapy as i can afford today…. even today was free…
so i’ll sign off with this… … live life as life lives you.
